How to Deal When Everyone Else is Pregnant
In your late 20s-early 30s, there are typically 3 types of invitations you get- to the wedding, the baby shower or the kid’s birthday party. Not to mention, your social media feed has a twisted way of reminding you that either everyone else is pregnant or they already have 2 kids. Now, although this is not true, it can be really hard not to compare yourself to others when you are actively trying to conceive. Things like baby showers and kid’s birthday parties that used to be fun, now can feel like a trigger.
So today, I thought it was important to talk about a few important ways to cope while trying to conceive.
Use the Follow/Unfollow Button
Let’s be honest, we all probably spend a little too much time scrolling through our social media feeds. But, it is important to remember that social media is a highlight reel, which means people are often sharing their best days. Although we may think that what we see each and every day on social media has no impact on our mental and physical health, it absolutely does. Using the unfollow button is a simple but useful way to protect your physical and mental health while you are trying to conceive. Social media can be a great place for support and community throughout your fertility journey, however, if you are following people who make you feel triggered, defeated or anxious, this is when setting those boundaries are important. It is also important to remember that things that may not have triggered you before may be triggering to you now. It’s okay to change your mind and change your social media settings as you go. What may have been okay one day may not be okay another day. Your social media feed should be about you and not others, make sure you are protecting your energy by exposing yourself to only positive and supportive people.
Another option,could be to avoid social media altogether if you find that it is impossible to avoid triggering content. I know many of us use social media professionally as well and it can be hard to avoid it all together. In these instances, it is important to set specific boundaries including goals and scheduled time for social media that help you avoid random scrolling.
Skip the Parties
I know this might sound extreme but honestly being miserable at a kid’s birthday party or a baby shower is much worse on your health than simply skipping it. You can send all your well wishes and a gift, but it’s okay to say you can’t attend. You will get plenty of invitations to baby showers and kid’s birthday parties, and while you may feel obligated to go, the reality is you are not. It’s okay to say no to environments that trigger you. Trust me, your friends and family will understand.
You aren’t required to give an explanation for why you will not attend but, if you feel inclined to share that’s fine too. Again, don’t feel required to give an explanation, if you don’t want to. You are an adult and it’s absolutely acceptable to simply say “No. thank you”. As a recovering people-pleaser myself, this was challenging at first but as I started to say no more often, it got easier. Trust me.
Know the Facts
Your fertility journey can be extremely intimate and private, however, the reality is although we “think” everyone around us got pregnant immediately, the truth is 1 in 8 couples struggles to conceive. So, whether you realize it or not, someone around you likely has experienced a difficult time getting pregnant. This is something that I constantly had to remind myself. In fact, I remember vividly one particularly weekend when I had five different people tell me they were pregnant. And although I was absolutely excited for them, I couldn’t help but compare my situation to theirs. All five women that weekend had told me they had just started trying and BOOM they were pregnant! I had been trying for much longer than they had and felt as though I was failing. Now, remember, I’m a doctor and my whole practice is focused on preconception and fertility so trust me, I know all the facts. But in that moment, I couldn’t help but feel like I was not enough and that I was failing. It wasn’t until my husband reminded me that not only is everyone’s journey different but, honestly, people LIE!
What, wait?! Yes, many people don’t like to talk about their struggles and like to focus on their successes. So, although maybe all five women had no issues getting pregnant on their first try, the reality is, this is actually highly unlikely. Reminding yourself that, just like social media, people like to often only share their best side. So take what you hear with a grain of salt.
Meditate
Trust me, I get it, telling someone to be mindful and grateful during their fertility journey can be challenging and honestly, feel impossible most days. One tool that has been extremely helpful for both my patients, and myself is meditation. There are a variety of health benefits associated with daily meditation. Not only can meditation be helpful during your fertility journey but, it can also be a powerful tool you can use during pregnancy, labor and even postpartum. So, if you have been resistant to meditation, I encourage you to try it not only for yourself now but for future you as well. I know for many (including me) waiting the two weeks after ovulation was absolutely torturous and many of us feel like we are putting our whole life on hold every month just waiting to see what will happen. For others who have unfortunately experienced a miscarriage or failed IUI or IVF cycle, the fear and anxiety is also at an all time high. Although, we often can’t eliminate all the stress of our fertility journey, mediation can be an important coping mechanism we can use to combat stress. I love recommending Ferticalm Pro, an amazing app that has a variety of more than 500 custom coping options for over 50 fertility specific situations. This app is a great way to plug into a meditation that is specific to your journey.
I also like to remind patients that meditation can look different to different people, some people like laying on their bed at the end of the day listening to a guided meditation while others like more active roles like writing their own meditation or taking their meditation on a walk. Have some fun exploring different ways of meditating to find what works best for you.
Move Your Body
Ever notice when you get out of a workout class, finish a run or roll out your yoga mat, you literally feel like you can conquer the world? This is no surprise. Researchers have found that exercise is an extremely powerful and measurable tool we can use to improve our mood. In fact, researchers found that just a single session of exercise could reduce both anxiety and depression. So, even if you are new to exercise or find it hard to fit it into your busy schedule, challenging yourself to move your body, even just today can ultimately make a substantial difference in your mood. Anxiety and depression are extremely common and many times under-diagnosed in women (and men) TTC. Making movement a priority is a simple but important way to get out of your head and back into your body. More and more data is pointing to the fact that working out 20-30minutes every day versus an hour three days a week seems to be more beneficial to our health. This is thought to be mostly associated with the development of consistency and habits rather than the particular type of exercise itself. Exercise should be fun and something you look forward to so make sure you are doing an activity that you enjoy.
Surround Yourself With People Who Understand Your Journey
Just because your friends or family are having babies or have already had babies, doesn’t mean they won’t understand, respect or support you during your journey. If you feel comfortable inviting them into your journey, you may consider having an honest conversation with them. This conversation can include specific details or broad ideas. It is also a great time to ask for help when setting certain boundaries with other family members or friends you are not yet comfortable sharing your journey with.
Join a Community
Although I love the idea of finding a friend or family member as your support team, sometimes being able to share your struggles with complete strangers is also extremely freeing. Joining a community whether it be in-person or virtual is a great option. Make sure the community offers positive support and words of encouragement rather than perpetuate the negative thoughts you are already trying to avoid in your head. Virtual communities can be great, but they can also be toxic so make sure you are being aware of your intention and the intentions of others.
About the Author: Meet Dr. Zen
Alissia Zenhausern- Pfeiffer, NMD, FABNE, (commonly known by her patients as Dr. Zen), is a licensed naturopathic doctor board certified in naturopathic endocrinology and the founder of NMD Wellness of Scottsdale, a premier naturopathic medical practice that focuses on helping women to take a proactive approach to their hormone and fertility health. Dr. Zen has been featured as a lead expert in Forbes, Shape Magazine, and Instyle and is deeply passionate about bridging the gap between traditional and natural medicine in the world of fertility. She works with a variety of hormone related issues including PCOS, endometriosis and unexplained infertility. Her goal is to help more women get back into the driver’s seat of their own health to make lasting transformational changes to their health to bring more cute and adorable babies into this world. Read More About Dr. Zen...
